Observations – Page 2 – Van Shea Sedita

Let Go or Be Dragged

I’m tense to the point of nausea. I’m skating on the ice of what may be my first ever migraine. This week, my vision has been blurry, I’ve forgotten a coworker’s name, and I even opened my email and stared blankly at the words and characters wondering exactly what it all meant.

Waiting for our pregnancy results that I find so important, is honestly insulting to any sense of spirituality I claim to have.
Right now, I don’t feel spiritual, I just want what I want.

I’m starting to believe the lie that I’m unique and that I’m alone. I have to write publically about it to get it out of my system. I don’t want to burden my wife with my own struggle, for fear that giving her more to stress about this would potentially ruin her chances of staying pregnant if she even is.

I’ve seen myself be the person who wants things so much, that I actually destroy any chance of getting it.

I need to want less. The best problem solving I can do is when I’m removed and relaxed ..when it’s fun. This isn’t fun it’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable.

Is this stress growth? Similar to the stress growth Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski suggests when discussing the lobster in the shell?

Can I use adversity properly to become stronger? Can I let go enough so that I don’t ruin what I am trying to protect?

“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”
― Oscar Wilde, The Ballad Of Reading Gaol

Creation When You Can’t

Photo of our embryo in its blastocyst stage

As a young boy, I use to lay awake imagining raising children. I use to run through Dad-like scenarios and advice I would give. I relished the idea of having that all-American nuclear family.

Then in February of 2015, after a year of trying naturally, my wife and I found out that I was unable to create a child without medical intervention.

Yesterday, after almost a 2-year journey, involving two IUI attempts and one canceled IVF cycle, our embryo, codenamed Bert was implanted.

As a designer, creating things is what I wake up for, it’s what I lose sleep over. This creation journey has been a lesson in humility and deep powerlessness. Even during the many many doctor visits, it was clear I was not critical past a certain point. I was mildly amused at that fact and managed to crack a joke or two over it.

Now we wait. We will know by Dec 6th if we are to be parents. My least favorite trait to call upon is Patience. If patience were a muscle in my body it would be that thin cartilage-like muscle in the pinky toe. Yeah, the one that’s twisted a deformed.

Wish us, and “Bert” luck.

As A Designer, and Businessman, I Have Some Policies

As a designer I’ve allowed myself to be lied to, mislead, and cheated. These valuable lessons and some fantastic courage from the industry good guys have forced me to develop some important standards and policies.

I get EVERYTHING in writing. Email or formal signed contract works for me.
I tell customers/co-workers precisely what I believe I excel at and what I don’t, setting expectations as perfectly as possible. I very rarely say “I can do that!” if I never have done it or have little experience in it.
If someone has a reputation for not paying designers, I try not to work with them or demand C.O.D. or a full payment before I start.
My reputation is always more important to me than money, so I always I provide a little more than I initially agree to.
For better or worse, I work 24/7. If I am on an interesting project, working with good people, I am constantly thinking about it, sketching through it, sleeping on it and revising it.