Let Go or Be Dragged

© Mike Kelly
© Mike Kelly

I’m tense to the point of nausea. I’m skating on the ice of what may be my first ever migraine. This week, my vision has been blurry, I’ve forgotten a coworker’s name, and I even opened my email and stared blankly at the words and characters wondering exactly what it all meant.

Waiting for our pregnancy results that I find so important, is honestly insulting to any sense of spirituality I claim to have.
Right now, I don’t feel spiritual, I just want what I want.

I’m starting to believe the lie that I’m unique and that I’m alone. I have to write publically about it to get it out of my system.  I don’t want to burden my wife with my own struggle, for fear that giving her more to stress about this would potentially ruin her chances of staying pregnant if she even is.

I’ve seen myself be the person who wants things so much, that I actually destroy any chance of getting it.

I need to want less. The best problem solving I can do is when I’m removed and relaxed ..when it’s fun. This isn’t fun it’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable.

Is this stress growth? Similar to the stress growth Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski suggests when discussing the lobster in the shell?

Can I use adversity properly to become stronger? Can I let go enough so that I don’t ruin what I am trying to protect?

“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”
Oscar Wilde, The Ballad Of Reading Gaol

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